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The Tabloid News Edition 16
'The Tabloid News XVI ' By Sir Pickles, Editor In Chief 'FROM THE EDITOR ' It has been quite the long time since I’ve been able to write a tabloid for all of you. I know you’ve missed it all. I can tell because of the riotous clamour outside the Tabloid News Offices. It has been disturbing the French maids I have keeping things clean. Anyway, there has been a lot going on that needs to be reported. And remember, you will not find any of this fine journalism in the papers printed by Mr. Valentine, or Cadience Robson. In fact, there is a lot about them you don’t know, and I am going to try to tell all of you the truth about them. So, anyway, in the immortal words of my predecessors, “on with the news . . .” 'CADIENCE ROBSON HAS NO STANDARDS WHEN IT COMES TO DATING ' The headline might be misleading you dear readers into thinking she has been seen on a date with the Loch Ness Monster, or even perhaps Big Foot. But, the investigative reporters at The Tabloid News discovered her recently eating lunch with Miguel. This is a cold, heartless truth I am revealing, but it seems that the renowned goat Lothario had even brought flowers. Of course, it could have just been a snack for his goats. However, both parties seemed to be having a good time. 'MR. VALENTINE TRIES TO HIDE DIRTY LAUNDRY ' Notable person of note, Mr. Valentine, was recently seen trying to hide his dirty laundry. After close scrutiny and investigation into the inner workings of his HQ, we have discovered that Mr. Valentine neither does not do his laundry, nor sends it out to be cleaned. The horrible disgusting truth of it all is that Mr. Valentine prefers to re-wear his dirty socks and underwear (we will not reveal what kind as yet) rather than be clean! Does he not have enough quarters for the laundry machine? Does he not know how to separate whites from coloureds? Did he have a bad experience mixing a red shirt with his bleached whites producing a frightening array of pink clothes? We do not know, but we will continue to follow this story for you, the readers. 'ABUSE OF EDITORIAL SPACE: ODE TO VERONA ' Oo my little pretty one, pretty one When you gonna give me some time, Verona? Oo you make my motor run, my motor run Gun it coming off of the line, Verona Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind I always get it up with a touch of the younger kind My-ee ey-ee by-ee ahee ah woo! Ma ma ma my Verona Come a little closer, over here Close enough to look in my eyes, Verona Keep a little mystery, kissin' me Runnin' down the length of my thigh, Verona Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind I always get it up from a touch of the younger kind My-ee ey-ee by-ee ahee ah woo! Ma ma ma my Verona Ma ma ma my Verona When ya gonna get to me, get to me Is it just a matter of time, Verona Is it a destiny, a destiny Or is it just a game in my mind, Verona Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind I always get it up from a touch of the younger kind My-ee ey-ee by-ee ahee ah woo! Ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma Myee ey-ee by-ee ahee ah woo! Ma ma ma my Verona Ooooh my Verona That was from the diary of Pirate Pickles. 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN ' Dear Red, It’s tough to be a G.A.Y. man in today’s world. Do you have any advice? Mob Way -------------------------------------- Dear Mob, It courageous of you to come out publicly as G.A.Y. If you need help or support, I’m sure Randle has a sympathetic shoulder, as long as you don’t cry on his cashmere sweater. Red ------------------------------------------ Dear Red, I just asked someone if their father or grandfather was Mrs. Glowy. He said that I need to be told about “The birds and the bees.” What did he mean? B. Chris ------------------------------------------- Dear Chris, The best person to tell you about this is your own parents, or even a religious figure. I would recommend Father Pat McGroin, but be prepared for charts and diagrams. Bring a snack, because it’s a very long and informative lecture. Red 'MORE EDITORIAL ABUSE: The Mafia Awards® A Dark production ' I think it goes without saying that The Tabloid News endorses and supports any and all nominations for the august Sir Pickles, the Editor-In-Chief of The Tabloid News. Also, each and every vote for Pickles means a crisp $100 bill mailed to you, after sending us a self-addressed stamped envelope with $105 for shipping and handling.